


To think I might not see those eyes (Makes it so hard not to cry)

by Mimozka



Series: TommyDinah [2]
Category: Arrow (TV 2012)
Genre: 7x13 AU, Angst, Canon-Typical Violence, F/M, Family, Kid Fic, Panic Attack, Tommy Merlyn Lives, Tommy Merlyn also has a daughter, TommyDinah, anxiety attack, canon divergence - Arrow Season 7
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-26
Updated: 2019-11-26
Packaged: 2021-02-25 21:27:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,403
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21575026
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mimozka/pseuds/Mimozka
Summary: Injured officers came through the doors of Starling General’s ER all too often for this situation to be considered out of the ordinary, wasn’t helping much. He couldn’t explain it, but everytime he heard about an officer coming in he pictured Dinah on a gurney.The SCPD was a big police force, the chance that the hurt officer was someone close to him was very small. The chance that the police officer in question could be his wife was even smaller. Microscopic. In fact, it was downright non-existent, because Dinah told him this morning before they left for work that she had a training session with Zoe and then a playdate with Oliver for Bex and Mia.
Relationships: - If you squint, Dinah Drake/Tommy Merlyn, Oliver Queen/Felicity Smoak
Series: TommyDinah [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1285952
Comments: 3
Kudos: 17





	To think I might not see those eyes (Makes it so hard not to cry)

**Author's Note:**

  * For [](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts), [foreverfelicityqueen (stydiasredstring)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/stydiasredstring/gifts), [AllHaleOlicity](https://archiveofourown.org/users/AllHaleOlicity/gifts).

> Dedicated to my loves: Scarlet, Kayla, and Nikki who enable TommyDinah on a daily basis. This is a 7x13 AU with all of Arrow being its usual canon (minus s3) except Tommy is alive, has a daughter called Bex, and is married to Dinah Drake.

The surgery was going at a slower rate than Tommy would have preferred, but on the plus side there weren’t any complications, which was always preferable. Mr Harding was as stable as he could be given the procedure he was undergoing. 

A quick glance at the clock to his left, told Tommy that he’d been wrists-deep in his patient’s chest cavity for four hours and counting. By the looks of things finishing the surgery would take him another hour at least, that’s including overseeing that his resident follows the proper closing procedure. All of that translated to Tommy being very late for dinner. Lucky for him, his wife knew exactly what she was signing up for when she married him.

He was putting the final repairing touches on the patient’s right pulmonary artery when he heard the familiar sound of a buzzing pager go off behind him. He shook his head slightly, to re-focus, and asked one of the nurses to adjust the surgical loupes on the bridge of his nose. 

“Suction,” he instructed his resident. “Leave it,” he looked up for a moment, addressing the nurse who went to check on his pager.

With the distraction over, Tommy spent the next 30 minutes making sure his patient didn’t accidentally bleed to death. 

His pager buzzed again. And again. And again. And again.

At that point, Tommy started to feel bile rising up his throat. There were precisely two reasons why his pager would go off so many times in a row. One he could somehow live with, the other he could not.

“Doctor Merlyn,” Nurse Haley’s voice said behind him. “There’s been a 245b.” 

Tommy froze as soon as his brain registered the meaning of Nurse Haley’s words. 

_ 245B - ‘Assault with a deadly weapon against an officer’. _

It was a damned miracle that he didn’t drop his instruments into the patient, and had enough self awareness to withdraw his hands into a safe distance.

He closed his eyes and took a deep breath. He couldn’t help the anxiety bubbling up in his stomach despite telling himself over and over that he was probably over-reacting. Injured officers came through the doors of Starling General’s ER all too often for this situation to be considered out of the ordinary, wasn’t helping much. He couldn’t explain it, but everytime he heard about an officer coming in he pictured Dinah on a gurney.

The SCPD was a big police force, the chance that the hurt officer was someone close to him was very small. The chance that the police officer in question could be his wife was even smaller. Microscopic. In fact, it was downright non-existent, because Dinah told him this morning before they left for work that she had a training session with Zoe and then a playdate with Oliver for Bex and Mia.

Yet despite telling himself over and over that he was probably over-reacting, and that injured officers came through the doors of Starling General’s ER all too often for this situation to be considered out of the ordinary, his heart rate wouldn’t slow. He couldn’t explain it, but anytime he heard about an officer coming in he pictured Dinah on a gurney and his blood ran cold every damn time.

Tommy released the breath he was holding and with it forced himself to release the anxiety that had taken over as well. He couldn’t allow himself to be distracted when he had someone lying on his operating table with his chest wide open.

“Sorry about the freeze, let’s finish this,” Tommy apologized to his team with a smile they couldn’t see and a light-hearted tone of voice even he could tell was not entirely sincere. 

The pager and the code alert lied forgotten afterwards, as Tommy did what he did best - fixed people’s problems while putting his own anxieties on the backburner.

He had absolutely no idea how much time passed between the page and the door to his OR bursting open with almost violent force. He looked up at the source of the disturbance while thanking his stars that he wasn’t about to put another stitch in the patient.

He could clearly recognize Hilda, his favourite ER Charge nurse, behind the mask she was holding up to cover her face. Yet her presence in his OR didn’t make sense. Hilda, better than anyone, knew the hospital protocols and that interrupting a surgery in the manner that she had was absolutely unacceptable. She knew perfectly well that he was in the middle of surgery because the artery repair he was doing has been sitting on the operations board for at least 3 days. 

“Doctor Merlyn,” Hilda gasped, giving Tommy a hint that she might have run all the way up to his Operating Room.

Tommy stepped back from the patient and raised his eyebrows silently at the nurse, waiting for her to elaborate. 

“Tommy,” Hilda said, in that same breathless tone.

Shit. 

Tommy’s previous anxiety returned full force. The forceps shook ever so slightly in his hand.

“The 245B that came in…” Hilda’s voice died in her throat and Tommy felt his knees go weak.

His head was shaking violently from one side to another as if on its own volition, Tommy sure didn’t have the presence of mind to do anything but picture all the ways in which his wife could be hurt. 

He dropped the forceps he was holding onto the stainless steel tray and tried to will his hands to stop shaking. It didn’t work. His entire consciousness was hyper focused on the image of his wife lying somewhere in the ER at the mercy of his fellow doctors.

He hated even more that there was nothing he could do to help her. Even if he wasn’t in the middle of surgery he wouldn’t be allowed into her room in his capacity of a surgeon. 

From the bottom of his heart, he hoped this was one of these instances where her superiors insisted she got checked out after an op for insurance purposes and what not even if it really was “just a graze on the arm”. So he asked the only thing he could at that moment.

“How bad?”

Hilda hesitated before answering him and that alone told Tommy more than any words could. He didn’t like her hesitation, he didn’t like the look on her face - he was all too familiar with them, except he was lucky to rarely be on the receiving end of that pity.

“You should go see her,” Was all Hilda said in the end.

The shaking extended throughout his arms and spread down to his legs. Every part of him - physical, emotional, logical, - was rejecting the reality he was being presented with.

He opened his mouth to object, but felt an arm grip his own.

“Tommy, I got this,” the voice of his resident assured him. Looking at her, he realized he couldn’t quite focus on her face. “Go to your wife,” 

Normally, he would balk at the idea of leaving his operating room before a procedure was complete. He would condemn and resent the lack of professionalism of any doctor who did that, too. Except… there was nothing normal about his current situation.

“Doc, all that’s left to do is close Mr Harding up, I’ve got this, I swear,” his resident repeated reassuringly. “Go see the Captain…” her words broke off mid sentence

... _ before it’s too late  _ was the implied continuation of it.

Tommy nodded in acknowledgement and started walking quickly towards Hilda’s direction. He walked quicker the more the reality of the situation sunk in.

He ripped the mask and vest off him violently as soon as he’d passed the threshold. All of a sudden there was not enough air in his lungs and no matter how much he breathed in, no more air came in. The shakiness and dread he was feeling finally took over and Tommy swayed and fell, missing the edge of the sink by a hair.

The shock and pain of hitting the tiles with his kneecaps seemed to be the proverbial slap in the face that he needed. But then, just as he was bracing himself to get back up another thought struck him: If Dinah didn’t make it (the thought alone terrified him to no end) he would have to look his daughter in the eye and explain to her that she won’t see the only mother she’s ever known ever again. He would have to break Rebecca’s heart in such a vicious way. To this day, he remembered with perfect clarity the night his father woke him up to tell him that his mother was dead. He might have to cause Bex the same heartache.

He reached for the metal trash bin near the sink and barely pulled it within range before he threw up. Once there was nothing else to expel, Tommy pushed it back weakly and focused on taking deep breaths. 

He placed his shaking palms onto the cold tiled floor and pushed himself up, reaching to grip the metal sink for support. To her credit, Hilda let him get his grip and didn’t pressure him into getting his shit together. 

He splashed his face with cold water quickly and rinsed his mouth, resolving himself to be strong for Dinah, for Bex until he knew for sure what was going to happen. Once he had concrete information he could find a room somewhere and fall apart, but for now his wife and daughter needed him.

Once decided he quickly brushed his wet palms against his scrubs and turned to face Hilda.

“Where is she?” 

“ER treatment 4,” 

Dinah was on the other side of the hospital but for once Tommy didn’t care about how far away he had to run. He took off as fast as he could towards the elevators. He ran and narrowly avoided collision with both staff and patients through the corridors, yelling belated apologies and warnings to move away as he went. He came to a stop in front of the elevator and within seconds lost his patience with it. It was moving too slow and frantically pushing the elevator button and cursing under his breath was doing nothing for him. 

Dinah might not have the few minutes he was wasting on this and he’ll be damned if he wouldn’t at least be there for her if nothing could be done. He shuddered at the thought of losing her. 

Tommy shook his head and ran left the elevator, opting instead to run for the stairs. He had no idea how he made it to the ER without breaking his neck or any other part of his body. He ran down the stairs, skipping stairs, using the railing as leverage to jump down to a landing. If he could look humorously at the situation at all, Tommy would have joked that he must have looked like Oliver chasing down some perp or another. 

Once he slammed the staircase door open he began running again towards treatment room 4. It was only due to the amount of times he’s been to the ER that he knew where to go at all. 

Reaching the room was no help at all. The blinds were drawn and the door was closed shut. His only hope of finding out what happened was from Diggle, Oliver, and Rene, who were sitting on the floor with their backs against the wall. 

Tommy stopped running when he saw them. His lungs were burning from the exertion and his mind was going a million miles a minute, running one terrible scenario after another in an attempt to mentally prepare himself for all possible outcomes.

He jumped when he felt a grip on his shoulder, belatedly realizing that Oliver had stood up and was currently squeezing his shoulders. 

Tommy had so many questions running through his mind, but all he could manage to slip past his lips was a weak ‘what’.

Oliver seemed to get the gist though, because he explained how the SCPD got a tip about an escaped convict roaming about in an abandoned building, how going over the convict’s file Dinah found out he was mentally unstable and very dangerous both to himself and others. Oliver told him that Dinah called Rene and John because her station was short staffed and she couldn’t spare anyone at such short notice. 

That’s when Rene and John joined Oliver’s side and explained what happened after. They were casing the building and the son of a bitch jumped Dinah and slashed her throat.

Tommy’s breath stopped when they told him that. He could feel the blood draining from his face at the mental picture they drew for him with their recounting of the events. 

Throat wounds were tricky as shit. With such a narrow surface every millimeter could make the difference between long-lasting or fatal trauma. He wanted to push them for more information, his medical training was slowly kicking in and he found a dozen questions buzzing at the tip of his tongue. He wanted to ask about the location, the size and depth of the wound, he wanted to ask what they did to curb the bleeding, he wanted to know if Dinah lost consciousness at any point, the amount of blood lost and so many more things. He wanted to be as prepared as possible.

He swallowed his questions though, knowing that his friends wouldn’t be able to answer as accurately as he needed them too.

“Felicity has Bex right now, I’ll pass by your place on my way home to get some of her stuff. She can stay with us for as long as she needs to until Dinah gets better,” Oliver said.

The tiniest bit of pressure chipped away and dissipated from Tommy’s chest. The knowledge that Bex was safe and well helped him breathe just a bit easier. He just hoped a prolonged stay with her best friend was all this nightmare will turn out to be. 

The rush of adrenalin that kept him going from the moment he left the operating room appeared to have run its course and Tommy felt exhausted. The mix of fear, worry, and trepidation left him positively drained. He dragged his feet to the section of the wall just across the entrance to the room Dinah was currently in and sagged against the wall until he was in a sitting position. Tommy felt rather than saw the rest of his friends follow suit.

“How did you do it?” Tommy asked Oliver after a few beats of unbearable silence. 

A few tense moments more passed before Oliver actually gave him an answer. 

“I didn’t…” Oliver spat quietly, and Tommy knew him well enough to detect the note of self-loathing in his voice “As soon as I was sure she would make it I ran. I ran and I focused on taking my feelings out on every single piece of scum that had a hand in hurting Felicity,” 

Tommy had to say the idea of exacting revenge on the son of a bitch that hurt his wife sounded tempting, but then again he wasn’t Oliver and he sure as hell couldn’t dish out the punishment his best friend could. What’s more, Tommy couldn’t bring himself to do anything that might cause him to be separated from his daughter.

Oliver chose that moment to speak again, as if sensing Tommy’s inner turmoil.

“I should have stayed by her side though,” he confessed, “I made her condition about myself when really, I should have been there to support her because she needed me there,”

Tommy nodded, remembering all too well the state of Felicity after the shooting and how often she would ask about Oliver.

“Tommy, we’ll make sure he is captured,” Rene said from the other side of him.

Tommy spared him a glance and saw the utter sincerity and determination on the other man’s face. Ever since his own accident the year before, Dinah had become like a sister to Rene. Her and Tommy had kept Zoe with them while Rene was transported to Central City for treatment and recovery. So Tommy believed Rene when he said they will get justice for his wife. 

“She has to make it,” Tommy whispered and swallowed a sudden sob that bubbled at the back of his throat. “I need her to make it. Bex needs her to make it.” 

As hard as he tried the tears wouldn’t be kept at bay and Tommy felt whatever semblance of strength he had, leave him. 

Wordlessly he felt an arm wrap around his shoulders and pull him in. It was a gesture him and Oliver had practiced their entire lives. 

Tommy lost track of time after that. He didn’t know how long they sat and paced in that corridor. He had no idea what time of day it was any longer and he cared very little to find out. The only bright spot in that terrible period was when Oliver shoved his phone under Tommy’s nose. On the screen watching the short video of Bex and Mia playing some sort of game on the Queens’ console, oblivious to any troubles that had befallen their family. 

His tears started falling again after that.

He was pacing like a caged animal when the door to his wife’s room finally opened and Dr Schwartz came out.

Tommy’s movement halted immediately and he lasered in on his colleague. He could feel the blood draining from his face as he approached what little distance was between them.

“Beth?” Tommy choked out weakly. 

The doctor perused him silently for just a moment before she nodded. 

“Your wife is as stubborn as they come, Tommy,” she said as way of explanation. “She was on the brink more times than I care to say, but every time she came back to us,” 

Relief slammed into Tommy like a truck. His knees buckled and he felt arms grab him on both sides to help him stay upright. His thoughts were swimming as he discarded every bad thought that plagued him. 

“Thank you,” he whispered and launched forward to embrace his colleague in what the hospital HR might consider not entirely inappropriate. 

“No need,” Beth replied, patting Tommy on the back. “The Captain has done her fair share of keeping us safe, it was the least I could do to return the favor,” 

They parted and the doctor gave Tommy and encouraging nod as they watched the nursing staff file out of the room. It was all the invitation Tommy needed. 

Yet he made no more than two steps towards the door when he halted, remembering his friends’ presence. He turned on his heel with a somewhat sheepish expression in place.

“I’m going for a drink,” Rene announced.

“I’m coming with,” John said, clasping Rene in the shoulder.

“Tell Di she better wake up soon or I’ll kick her ass,” Rene told Tommy as a way of parting.

Oliver stepped in next to Tommy again and gave his arm a quick squeeze. 

“I’m going to call Felicity and let her know and then I’ll drop by yours to get Bex’s stuff. I’m gonna make all her favorite foods for dinner,” Oliver grinned at him.

Tommy looked at Oliver’s hand on his arm and pulled back for just a moment before he wrapped his arms around Oliver.

“Thank you,” Tommy whispered fiercely.

“You’re my brother, no thanks needed,” Oliver said as they pulled back.

Tommy and Beth watched as team Arrow disappeared from view. 

“How bad is it?” Tommy asked, whatever joy he was feeling at his wife being on the mend, momentarily dimmed by the knowledge that her injury would bear consequences.

He needed to have the answers for his own sake and Dinah’s as he was sure she would want to know as soon as she came to.

“We’ll have plenty of time to talk about the specifics, Tommy, how about for the time being you go be with your wife?” Beth suggested with a small smile.

Tommy nodded mutely and headed for his wife.

“Don’t suppose there’s any point to tell you that visitors aren’t allowed overnight?” Beth called out behind him.

“None,” Tommy replied just as he reached the door and laid eyes on his wife.

He closed the door gently behind him, not wanting to wake her up. He knew it was stupid because not even an elephant honking around could wake Dinah from a medically induced sleep.

It was a scary sight before him - his wife lying motionless on the hospital bed, her chest and throat covered in wires and tubes. The beeping of the heart monitor filled the silence of the room, drowning out the dripping of the blood bank and saline IVs. But to Tommy, there’s never been a more wonderful sound than the heart monitor - the steady rhythmic beat assured him that his wife was okay. 

He headed towards the eastern corner of the room to drag a chair and froze. His wife’s bloodied clothing lay folded in a plastic bag. Tommy swallowed the urge to burn it or make it disappear - she might need it as evidence. He’d been married to her long enough to know that. 

Shaking the dread his wife’s destroyed, bloody, suit had bestowed upon him Tommy grabbed the plastic chair and brought it down next to his wife.

“Hey Pretty Bird,” he whispered, grasping her limp hand in his. She rolled her eyes every time he used that nickname, but tough for her - if she wanted him not to call her that she’d have to wake up first. 

“You scared the shit out of me today,” His fingers started massaging his wife’s hand which was too cold for Tommy’s liking. For some reason, Dinah’s feet were always freezing, but her hands were always just warm enough. It was weird in the worst way to feel a chill when he held her. “You probably scared yourself, too,” 

Once he started talking, Tommy found it difficult to stop. He poured the events of today out to her. The fear, the dread, the anxiety, the panic - all of it. He knew people who would scoff at him for that. His sperm donor, for example, would sneer at him and call him weak. Yet Tommy knew that he could tell Dinah anything. Nothing was off limits with her. 

He must have fallen asleep at some point, because he woke up to his phone ringing. A glance at the bright screen told him it was past midnight, which made the phone call even more bizarre. 

“Hey, what are you doing up at this hour?” Tommy asked, his voice still laced with sleep.

The caller let out a shaky sob as an answer.

Tommy’s heart broke at the sound and all traces of sleep left him. He sat up straighter in his chair. One hand tightening on his wife’s palm and the other clutching the phone tighter against his ear.

“Did you have a bad dream?” He asked softly.

“ _ Daddy _ ,” the shaky sobs continued. 

“Shh Bex, it’s okay baby,” Tommy whispered, “Please tell me what’s wrong?”

“Is Mom okay?” 

Tommy’s heart sank at the question.

He closed his eyes and took a deep breath before re-opening them.

“Of course she is, she’s sleeping right next to me,” Tommy said, hoping he sounded surer than he felt at that moment. 

He felt absolutely wretched lying to his daughter, but he simply couldn't bear placing that kind of anxiety on her shoulders. Though, technically, Dinah  _ was  _ sleeping next to him, albeit in a medically induced coma.

Bex huffed on the other side of the phone. “Mia and I heard Uncle Ollie tell Aunt Felicity that Mom got really hurt and she was sleeping now,”

Tommy opened and closed his mouth several times, wracking his brain on how to deliver the news to Rebecca.

“A very sick man hurt Mom while she was trying to get him to safety and yes, it got real scary for a little while there… But your Mom is the strongest person I know and she fought really hard to stay with us. But all that fighting left her really tired so she needs to sleep now.” 

It was the best way he could think to explain what happened without giving his daughter graphic nightmares for years to come.

The only sound of the other side of the phone was Bex’s breathing as she no doubt contemplated Tommy’s answer.

“Can you come get me please? I want to be with Mom,” 

Tommy glanced at the clock on his phone again - definitely no visitors allowed at this time. So Tommy acted as he usually did when he didn’t want to answer one of Bex’s questions - he deflected.

“Bex, it’s way past your bedtime. What are you doing?” He asked, knowing well that neither Oliver nor Felicity would have let her stay up this late.

“I was worried about Mom,” Such a simple, obvious answer.

Tommy choked on his own breath. 

“I’ll come get you first thing tomorrow morning okay? Go back to Mia and try to get some sleep, please.” 

“Okay, Daddy,” the timid sound of Bex’s voice and the fact she didn’t fight him on going to sleep was testament enough to how scared and worried she must have been for Dinah.

“Your Mom and I love you,” Tommy said. He was on the brink of adding the usual ‘sweet dreams’ but thought better of it last minute. Neither of them was going to have good dreams tonight and there was no point to pretend otherwise.

“Love you too, Daddy,” 

The call disconnected and Tommy sagged a little in his chair.

Leaving his phone at the foot of Dinah’s bed, he turned ever so slightly so he could look at her face. 

“You’d better get all the sleep you can get Di,” he said, clutching at her palm with both hands now and bringing it up to his lips “Because Hurricane Rebecca is coming to see you tomorrow.” 

Tommy leaned forward slightly to kiss Dinah’s palm and then bent forwards with it until both he and her palm were lying on the bed. 

His last coherent thought was that hopefully within the next 24 hours he would get to hug both his favourite girls at once again.

For once in his life, fate did not disappoint.


End file.
